Does my pen only write bitter words for those who are dear to me?

Ugk, back again. Time to rewrite this entire website. I need to go back to studying HTML/CSS and pick up my classes again.

I've been unmotivated, my heart flutters in broken rhythm, stressed out and vaping, it helps, a little.
On the upsides, I've been doing some "community" work, bringing people together and trying to do some more learning and creating things again. I still fear though, a lot of things. Unease.

For now I'll focus on other objectives and goals, no more core active. Just "us" headmates I have, on the upsides they're more active and "helpful" but happy I took his advice, gee, aww geez. No- don't. Anyways.

Hello anon. How're you doing?
Are you enjoying yourself there?
Do you think this is all Role-Play?
Do you believe in monsters? Demons?
Do you care to talk? Can you talk?
Do you play games? What shows do you watch?
Where do you live? ASL? ASL? ASL? ASL? ASL?

Is this my blood or yours?

Maybe I was wrong

Maybe I was wrong, I never meant to harm anyone.

UEFJTg==

I feel everything's starting to melt, the form is starting to come undone. The web is starting to untangle, I'm not going to like, hurt myself, anybody or anything.

Though I've found my comfort in things, everyone has a comfort game or hobby. I know I probably don't deserve any of the bad things that happen to me but... What can I say? I'm not really in control I suppose.

Whatever happens to me, my sanity or any of you, I'm glad I was able to share it all with you, thank you so very much for the funny, loving, depressing and amazing time together. I hope I meet you all again, I'M NOT GOING TO HURT MYSELF, OTHERS OR ANYTHING.

Likely I'll take a hiatus or dissipate into another personality.

The state of reality can be weird, to each person, I do experience extreme mental pain although I cannot cry.

The void around me turns into funny colors.

Christmas and New years?

I guess it's a new years eh? A happy new years?

Doesn't really feel like a new years, doesn't feel anymore special, I guess the only special thing is that I'm still here and that I still love him very very much so. Sometimes I feel lost, sometimes I feel like I'm doing nothing to improve it but the fact I'm still here is thrilling I suppose, I'm still breathing, oh I also got covid as well, which sucks although I'm mostly recovered, my sickness is nearly gone, just the annoying cough is still here and presistant, like me lol.

I know I've been sorta slacking on this site, I just lost my motivation when I lost my login details for my learning site, guess I'll just retake my classes and pick up from where I lost

Medication

I don't feel like taking my medication, I'm supposed to be taking antipsychotics, normally I wouldn't share this information although I guess I feel more confident on myself lately, still paranoid but eh, who cares anymore, I'm just another number in the statistics of illnesses and whatever. I feel terrible though for the way I've been treated, telling me there's something wrong with me and my personality, I wonder how much of my thoughts would vanish if I take my meds though, in return of a quiet mind I'd lose my freedom and become a yes man, I'm very much so against it.

I also wonder how much of my "reality" is real or what I'm reading in people and their emotions, what they want, how much of that is real or just "all in my head", I'm done though playing with people, I'm not gonna do anything, not anything but sit here and maybe update this site, admittingly I've just learned HTML so I can make a blog website so I can write down my thoughts but I want to do more, I will do more. Just not now, I'll work towards it though but at my pace, I got other matters to attend to and people to deal with, there's still lots of work to do.

Reality and futures

Sometimes I wonder if my reality is truly real and that the things I'm seeing and experiencing, that's including friends, family and actual events taking place.
I mean its sorta crazy, right? I mean, put yourself in my shoes, think about what you're thinking and going through and take in the possibility that it might be fake. That all your memories and friends, are fake, I think I worry about that a lot, that none of this is real and I'm some sort of single-player in this virtual world.

Memories

Sometimes I wonder.

Thinking and observing

I'm not really good at talking about somethings totally, I mean I'm obviously working on it and improving I believe, I think a lot about the future, problems and things that need to be done or things that my interfere with my plans, I try to come up with solutions for every little problem that may come up, like a number of cards up my sleeves, I thought all my cards were put on the table but I guess I got a new deck.

Honestly though I do have the best intentions, because we only really have whats in front of us, sometimes you dont realize what you have until its gone but I've made that mistake too many times previously before in the past, I will not lose, I cannot afford to lose, my actions and motives have true meaning now, I'll make sure every move I make is directive and effective for its purpose.

I do think a lot though, of my past and my past people in my life, how much they've had an effect on me, how much they've affected my life and how I could had done something better, I try to avoid mistakes like that but I do think of them.

I've let go a lot of the person I used to be but that person still lingers a bit in the back of my head, even though I'm trying to combine who I was and who I am now, sometimes it really does feel like those other sides of me still pester at me and linger at the back of my head, different color schemes, vibes and thinking, I know I'm right though in this patterning of thinking because the previous was more toxic and self-destructive, all those me's still exist.

I do feel sorry though for all the people I've negatively affected that I held at least friend value towards.

Not done talking yet

I've had a lot of people in my head before, replacing information with something else, or making me believe I'm this or I'm that or that I'm this really REALLY bad person but I don't think so anymore, I mean I know who I am now and I don't reject it anymore.

I'm typing this before I forget about it but with my love right now it really does feel like I can be myself again and just STOP with my old "programming" I suppose you can say, I was running on old routines for a long while and trying my best to uphold that old image but I've let go, maybe not physically but mentally and emotionally.
I do have headmates though that do play a part in who I am though, they don't try to force things in me though, they sometimes affect me mentally in a good way though, like NOT getting mad easily.

I have more to talk about but I'll talk about it later when I can better organize it, I'm probably going to try to at least to fix up this site a little more and also try to improve it, I've just been lazy lately and also focusing on other more important matters.

F̵̛̛͓̖̝͎̘̞̎̍̑͐̋̐͐̓̎̇́͠r̸̜͔̪̮̟̘̹̍̎̏̿̽̈́͜͜͜è̶̛͔̗̼̰̠̥͇̠̼̼̻̭͂̃͊̿̿͊͝h̵̡̝̒͛̍̅̐̔̕͜͜ţ̸̝̬͍̤̪͇̠̠̣̟́̏̽̔͜͝͠ư̸̝͍̥̼̖̣͙̖̜̩̰̍̅͌́̀̐͐̾͋̎̈̿̔r̵̡͕̻͇̒̽̑ ̸̟͈̮̒̃͌̏̐̽̀͘E̵̩̍͆͊̔̏̎̊͑̈́̅̽̓̀͝t̷̺͉̓̓̑x̵̯̹͈̦̖͖͓̝̘̖̬͉̗̉̋̊̽͝i̴̜̟̭̲̼̣̝̣͈̒̌̓̃̎̉̓̄̄̇͒͆͜͜a̷̧̨̢̱͈̭͕̣͖̬̙̗̅̋̓̉ͅň̵̨̠̳͕̲͕͇̼̥́ḻ̷̨̤͕͔̲̭̮̼͚͋̏̍̆̕o̷̺̽͗̕͠ͅp̴̨̨̡̪̞̜̳͙̩̗̼̭̮̞̒̈́̾͛̆̎͘̚a̷̡̢̡̺̞͈͙̯͎̰̜̙̙̍͌͒̾͛̑͌̆̕ņ̴̛͎̈́͐͗͆͊̂̒̒̒̑͘͝

I̵m̶ ̴a̵t̵ ̷a̴ ̷l̵o̵s̸t̷ ̶o̸f̶ ̸w̸o̷d̸r̵s̶ ̴s̸i̶t̴o̸m̶m̶e̸e̵s̴ ̵e̶r̶n̷t̶e̵y̴i̴v̴h̸g̶ ̶i̸s̶ ̸j̴s̵u̵t̸ ̸n̷s̷o̴i̵e̷ ̴a̶n̶d̵ ̶i̸t̶s̶ ̴j̸s̵u̵t̵ ̶h̴i̷m̸ ̷o̴l̵n̴y̸ ̶h̸i̴m̶ ̵N̸t̷h̶o̸n̷i̸g̵ ̶e̷l̶s̴e̵ ̷b̷u̸t̶ ̶h̵i̵m̶ ̵m̶a̴e̸k̴s̷ ̶s̴n̵e̶s̵e̷ ̴I̴m̵ ̵n̷o̵t̶ ̷w̶h̷a̶t̴ ̶o̷h̸e̴t̴r̴s̵ ̴s̸a̶y̷ ̷C̶a̷z̵r̴y̷ ̸I̵m̶ ̸d̸e̶e̵l̷p̶y̸ ̶i̷n̸ ̵l̵o̸v̶e̶
̵M̶a̴b̷y̴e̷ ̴a̴ ̴l̴t̸l̴t̶i̶e̵ ̷s̸e̶r̵w̵c̶s̶ ̸l̴o̵o̴s̷e̵ ̴b̶u̶t̴ ̶t̷t̶a̷h̵s̸ ̵o̵a̶k̷y̷ ̸I̴ ̴w̸n̸a̵t̶ ̷o̸h̶t̴e̷r̴s̴ ̷t̴o̴ ̷k̴o̷n̵w̴ ̸h̵o̵w̵ ̷m̶u̷c̵h̸ ̶I̷ ̷l̶o̶v̷e̶ ̶h̸i̵m̷ ̶a̶n̴d̶ ̴h̵o̶w̶ ̴m̴u̵c̴h̴ ̵h̶e̵ ̶m̶a̷n̸e̸s̷ ̷t̵o̴ ̶m̶e̵ ̸b̶u̵s̷a̸c̷e̴e̴ ̸n̶i̸h̷n̸t̸o̸g̶ ̴e̸l̶s̷e̶ ̸m̷r̵a̶t̴e̶t̴s̷

̴I̵ ̶h̵v̴n̴a̵e̵t̸ ̸f̴e̸l̷t̵ ̷t̴h̴i̸s̵ ̶w̸a̶y̷ ̵i̸n̸ ̴a̵s̴m̷l̶o̸t̵ ̵f̸r̴e̶o̷e̷v̸r̷ ̵i̶t̷ ̷s̵e̶e̴m̵s̸ ̴a̶n̵d̸ ̶i̷t̴s̶ ̶j̷u̷s̴t̶ ̷r̸l̴e̷a̵l̶y̴ ̴n̸c̶i̶e̶ ̶t̴o̵ ̴j̵s̸u̵t̵ ̴g̵i̷v̶e̵ ̵i̶n̵ ̷t̴o̸ ̸m̵y̵ ̵e̵t̴m̶n̴o̷i̸o̶s̶ ̵a̷n̴d̴ ̷n̵o̸t̶ ̸b̸e̵ ̸a̶r̸a̷i̵f̷d̸ ̸a̸y̸m̶o̸n̸r̵e̵ ̸b̷s̷u̶c̶a̸e̵e̴ ̷i̶t̶s̴ ̴a̴g̶h̴r̷i̵l̸t̶ ̵I̶l̴l̶ ̴c̴t̴n̸u̸n̵o̷i̵e̸ ̷t̵o̷ ̵w̴r̵o̸k̸ ̷a̷n̷d̸ ̷t̵r̴y̴ ̵t̴o̷ ̶m̸k̵a̶e̶ ̶p̶o̶r̸e̷s̵r̷g̸s̶ ̴b̸a̴c̷u̷e̴s̶e̸ ̷I̴m̷ ̵g̶n̸i̶o̶g̸ ̴t̸o̸ ̸m̸a̵k̵e̸ ̵e̴n̷h̷e̵r̴t̸v̵i̸y̷g̸ ̶w̴r̷o̸k̶ ̶f̶s̶l̸s̴l̸a̷w̵l̵e̸y̷ ̵a̸n̴d̶ ̶m̴k̵a̴e̸ ̶i̴t̷ ̵w̵r̵o̷k̷

̸I̷v̵e̵ ̶c̶l̵n̸e̷e̷a̷d̸ ̸m̸y̶ ̸r̵o̶o̴m̶ ̴a̴n̴d̴ ̶I̸v̶e̷ ̸c̶l̷a̵n̴e̷e̸d̵ ̴u̸p̵ ̶m̴y̵ ̷a̷t̵c̸s̴ ̴a̸n̴d̶ ̶I̷m̶ ̷d̸i̶n̶o̶g̵ ̶s̷o̷ ̴s̷o̷ ̶s̸o̸ ̶m̷c̵u̴h̷ ̸m̸o̶r̸e̶ ̸I̷ ̷w̶n̶a̵t̵ ̴t̵o̵ ̶m̸k̶a̷e̵ ̵s̴r̴u̶e̷ ̶I̶m̸ ̶t̸h̷e̷r̷e̸ ̴f̶o̶r̴ ̴h̴i̴m̷ ̶f̴r̶e̵e̴o̷v̶r̷ ̸a̵n̵d̷ ̸e̵e̵v̴r̸ ̷I̸l̶l̷ ̴m̸a̵k̸e̴ ̴t̴h̴i̷s̶ ̵w̷r̵o̴k̸ ̴b̷a̶s̴c̴e̷u̶e̷ ̴I̶ ̶t̴r̵l̵u̸y̵ ̷d̸o̸ ̸l̸o̸v̶e̷ ̴h̶i̴m̵
̶H̷e̵h̸ ̷m̸a̴b̵y̴e̸ ̷I̸ ̸s̸h̵l̶u̸o̸d̸ ̵h̶a̶d̷ ̶t̷y̸p̴e̸d̶ ̵t̶i̷h̵s̷ ̵i̵n̷ L̴̢̛̥͎͎̪̩̟̮̻̰̟̠̜͔̳̗̭̩̳̫͚̽́͑̐̓̃͊͗̈́̈́̽̽̽̋̾͊͊̇̌͂̒̚͠ó̷͎̤̓̍͊́̆̈́̊̎̀̀̿̈͘͘v̶̧̢̨̧͓͖̳̹̙̣̗̯̣̺͇͙̫̺͙͍̹̋͆́̽͌̔̚ę̵̮͕̺̖̦̺͙̱͚̬̜̬̳̹̺̹̔̔͌́̑̿͊̆̎̍̀̓͂̋̀͊̏͜͠͝ ̸̡̪͉̯͙̝̦͚̳̗̥̼̳̲͍͂̉̎̍͑̅̓̏̆̉͝Ṕ̷͉̤̻̖͑̽́͐͗͂̂̀͂͒̌͐͝ṡ̷̡̧̩̹̭̞̣̱̥̭̖̜͍̤̱͖̠̯̏ǫ̶͍̼̥̺̳̼̗͚̳̭̻͓̼̣̰̟̓͋̈́̄͌͆́͐͊̾̄̾́̅̊̐̋͗͗̽̇̆͒͜͝ͅt̸̛͖̯͈͓̘͇̖̹͇̘̽̊̇̇̈́͆͗̀̆̈́͆͒̓̆͆̀̀̅̈́̇̒̚͘̚̕͜s̷̢̛̛̘̼͓̥̞̳̟̒̇̓̉̇̑̎́̓̑̈́̀̽͛̾̀̚̚͘͝͠ i̶͖͖̜͂n̶͔̻̕ë̴́́̍ͅă̵͔̣͌͝t̷͙̬͗̀̆s̷͓͇͋d̷̘̱̙̅̑͆ I̶̼̾ ̵̱̂j̴͎͆u̵͙͂s̷̯͌ţ̵̓ ̷͖̎ŵ̴ͅạ̴͘n̷̮͆t̴̢͌ ̶̺͌h̴͕̅i̸͓͝m̶̜͠ ̸̰͝t̵̞̕o̶̙̅ ̷̘̿k̶̼̾o̴̗͗n̷̲̆w̸͉̒ ̷̲͠I̶̙͗ľ̸̤l̷̙̊ ̵͍͆a̷̲͌a̸͙͐w̸̤̏l̷͉̆y̷̢̒ṣ̷͠ ̶͎̕t̷̡̑ṙ̶͙ŷ̶̲ ̷̙͌ẗ̵̘́o̶̪̾ ̵̨̈́b̵̮̋e̴̟̋ẹ̸́t̵̜̀t̵͍̽r̷̻͝ ̸̹͆m̷͕͘ẏ̵̧e̶͔̎l̸̦̈s̷̬̓f̴̧̒ ̵̯̽ȧ̶̖n̴̯̐d̵͍͒ ̴̛͕h̷͓͝e̷͈̚ĺ̷̰m̵̳̿s̷̘͐ì̷̤f̷̅ͅ

ä̴̙̫̮̺̖̱̞̗́̈͝H̴̖̭͖̼̩͔̃ḙ̷̇d̶̛͕͈̠̿͂ ̵̨͉̟̩̜͇̽͜v̴̡̝̫̻́́̀̂̊̔ę̵̟̞̀̊̎͌̚ṙ̴̫́ǫ̷͉̪͇̽̊ ̷̡̧͉̮͕̊̑̓͌̚͜ͅe̴͇͙͊́͋̅̂̾́l̴̛͚͐͗̌͐͘ḩ̴͙̳̭̔̎̕ê̷̦̣̜̗̘͒͋̊̃̈́s̷͈̺̄̀͊͂̍͒͊ͅ

Reflecting

I feel a lot more better, I've come to terms with a lot of things.

To stop holding on the person I was, to just let go of old things, I think too that I viewed the other me's more superior. They're still me but I'm me. It's hard to explain. To force hold an image was more damaging than helpful.

No wonder why they all came crumbling down and separating a lot of the times. I was just really scared of letting go because I thought it was the only way and the only way I'd survive but I was so wrong but that's okay because its about adapting and overcoming things.

DATA MISSING
I know everything will work out in the end, I know everything will be perfect I know everything will execute flawlessly because its my will, things tend to work out for me.

REDACTED

Were you looking for something?

AHAH

aheheheh.

Adorement, forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!

I cannot help my feelings, I sit in dwellment. Struck in awe, am I cursed?
What is this feeling? Why can I not turn away? I'm so happy just being here.
One day, one day. One day. One day. Yes, one day! One day! It'll all be perfect!

I feel intense joy, tearing up thinking about everything.

Regrowth

I will reach my goals, by any means necessary, any means.


Most of the time I see patterns on the walls, floors and the faint shimmering in the air, sometimes I see the pictures coming to life on the screen. Seeing the neon-glow of outlines on the walls, I heavily think everyone's perception of reality is different, it just seems mine is shifting constantly, sometimes I don't remember some details or sometimes my personality just completely shifts. I wish it'd stop though, I am perfectly fine with this one.

REDACTED

Were you looking for something?

I want to be a machine~

And I want to be shiney chrome and clean!

There's something-

There's something-

There's something-

There's something wrong with meeeee.
Oh nooooo




So many songs that can portray and describe exactly how I feel.
If I was a machine, I could simply replace all my bad parts and go for upgrades, maybe problems wouldn't bother me either, heh.

I wonder if there's a subliminal file for that.

Lazy

Pretty much just edited my site a little so that images resize accordingly depending on the size of your screen, so it doesn't overflow and start scrolling sideways, gotta consider the people with smaller screens or those on mobile devices.
I guess it also doesn't help that Neocities wouldn't update my CSS for awhile, so I kept on thinking something was broken on my end, was checking codes back and forth for awhile, got pissed and took a break.
I really wanna start exploring different codes though, even though I want to explore grids and php for my site to further enchance its experience and also add more interesting things, designs and so forth.
Coding something light would be fun, maybe Roblox? Even though I know the "profit" wouldn't be much but it'd be fun to code a few simple fun games, Lua. I should focus on here for now though :)

I'll only update the changelog for any major updates, bye for now.

More practice

The more I do this, the more better I get at web development, I suppose. I'm getting a ton more ideas in what to do, what to add, how to fix things and whatever. I'm thinking of completely redoing my stylesheets and design. I don't want to overwhelm myself but I definitely want to add in a comments section, an about me page and side columns. If... I can keep focus, I've been pretty deep into learning all this but I mainly want to do my stylesheets to be more, simple yet detailed where it matters most.

Anyways, I'm just gonna play some video games.

Fun fact: I'm addicted to Nicotine, thank god for vapes instead of cigs.

A new site, a new project

Soooo last night I finally made up the final touches of my new site, was working out a few design choices and went with this one for now. I think its a HUGE improvement from just a straight up black background, a few plain HTML elements, images and no CSS at all. This is my first real attempt at HTML and CSS, everything is learnt from Codecademy, W3, online tutorials and some "reverse egineering" from browsing how codes work from other websites (not stolen, just looked) and then tried to code it into my own site with twists and turns.

Anyone that's new, this site is basically really gonna be... Well, my personal "art projects" as I fill it with how I feel, sorta uncanny, unusual and full of neat things! Take a look at how the site looked like when I first touched HTML (with no coding experience nor CSS at all)!